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Kudos for LifeRing -- Read the Testimonials Page and Add Your Own

Back to Humor Collection Drinkin', druggin' & smokin'

Lillian O.                                The Drunk's Logic

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas!"

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Robert B.                               Speeding

The State trooper pulled over a car for speeding, and walked up to the driver to get his license and registration. "Do you realize you were going 75 miles an hour in a 60 mile an hour zone?" "Well, officer, I was only speeding up just to pass the truck that was going slow in the right lane." His wife says "That's not true, Charlie, you've been driving that fast since we left home." "Shut up woman", says the husband. "And you were not wearing your seat belt, either" said the trooper. "Well, officer, I had just undone it to reach over and get my registration out of the glove compartment." The wife says "Charlie, you haven't been wearing the seat belt since we left home. You never do." "God damn it, I said shut the hell up". The trooper hears this and walks over the the passenger side and asks the wife "Does he always talk to you like that?" "Oh no," she says, "only when he's been drinking."

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The Texan's Dare


A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.   He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools.  I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.  One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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Dirty Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.  Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, stumbling, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets.  He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, A hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat
the crap out of a ghost."

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Life's Lessons

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:

First worm died.
Second worm died.
Third worm died.
Fourth worm was still alive.

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and fuck, you won't get worms.

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Rosey        Backfire

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hungover and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in Heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up, except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "and he who would like to find a place in Hell, please STAND UP!" The weary man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into
the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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Karl           THE PRIZE

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts.
Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize, grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium, and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass. The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
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Francis

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Jill P.

A guy stumbles up to another guy in a bar and offers to buy him a beer. The second guy says, "Thanks . . . Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"
The first guy drains his beer and says, "I dunno. Where you from?
The second guy says, "I'm from Ireland."
"No kidding," says the first guy, "I'm from Ireland too."
The second guy says, "Well, I'm from Dublin."
The first guy says, "HOLY MOLEY, I'M FROM DUBLIN TOO!"
The second guy says, "What school did you go to? I graduated from St.
Mary's in '69."
"Incredible! I graduated from St. Mary's in '69 too.

Another guy watching from the bar says to the bartender, "What's going on there?"
"Not much," says the bartender, "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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Robert B.

For those of you who have shown an interest in herbal remedies and other medical related subjects, there is this news just out:

There's a new drug being developed by Glaxo soon to be tested: The drug is called "Gingko Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing.

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Lilly O.

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

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Henry C.

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries - "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"

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Rosey J.

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

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Claudia P.

- What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

- The drunk doesn't have to go to a meeting.
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Mary Ann

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all of his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I guess," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, this is nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go!" cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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Bill M.        Ways to tell if you truly are a serious beer appreciator..


You frequently urinate outdoors.

You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.

You fall asleep taking a dump.

You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.

You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.

You find it's easier to study drunk.

Beer ads make sense.

You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.

You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.

You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.

You mix your cocktails by the liter.

You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.

You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic, Zen-like piss.

You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft "mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted."

When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.

You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.

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Rosey J.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies land in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink but then held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

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J.J. H.

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed by thy drink
Thy will be drunk
(I will be drunk)
At home as I am in tavern.
Give us this day out foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages.
As we forgive those
who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
Nor deliver us upheaval,
For thine is the amber,
The bitter and the pilsner
For ever and ever.
Barmen.

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Hugs

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.

The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a "night out with the boys." I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.

"Oh", she said, "that's nice". Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, at 3 o'clock, it cuckooed 3 times, then cuckooed another
4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and then started giggling."

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Larry D.

17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
17. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

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J.B.                  SOTALLY TOBER

               Starkle starkle little twink
               who the hell you are I think
               I'm not under what you call
               the alcofluence of incohol
               I'm just a little slort of sheep
               I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
               I don't know who is me yet
               but the drunker I stand here
               the longer I get
               Just give me one more drink
               to fill me cup
               'cuz I got all day sober
               to Sunday up.
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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table,  alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.   This happens yet, again.   The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.  Soon the entire town is  whispering about The Man  Who Orders Three Beers. Finally,     a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.  "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering  why you always order three beers at a time?"  "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.  We promised each other that we would always order an extra
two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became           a local celebrity and a source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.  The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues
for the rest of the evening:  Each time he orders only two beers, the word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the        soul of one of the brothers.  The next day, the  bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers instead of three, and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy  to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's          just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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