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Kudos for LifeRing -- Read the Testimonials Page and Add Your Own

Back to Humor Collection Little Johnny

Ann B. Little Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother,being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year ,so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true either. So he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
PLEASE!!!
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
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Letter From Camp

Dear Mom and Dad, Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drown because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim,and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great.You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy vaseline.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole
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"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him go down to the principal’s office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

I thought I told you to call your mom!" she screamed.

I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school..."

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Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."

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Bob P.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative"

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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Subject: Too much chicken...

A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed. "Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why, Susie?" he said.
"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," Susie said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "Show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken, maybe I'm getting feathers, too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a rather intense examination, she looked up with a serious look on her face and said, "Oh, Tommy, I think it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and giblets!!"

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Abe C.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

She asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well . . . every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

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Robert B.

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he had acted.
She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend, Johnny Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat).
So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly, Johnny Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do.

Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.
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Abe C.

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"

"Easy," Johnny said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

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Abe C.

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to Dirty Johnny playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told Johnny, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard him say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard Johnny continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the Johnny added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

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A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the
human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."

"Sit down, Susie," instructed the teacher. "Little Johnny, can you tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

The teacher remarks, "That's right, Little Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, you obviously didn't do your homework last night. And, you certainly have a dirty mind. But most importantly, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."
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