Back to Humor Collection Misc.
==============================================================================
Thanks
to Abe C.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself
on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep. However, they persisted until he
finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds
of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he
slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see
that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in
frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking
didn't!!!"
=============================================================================
Robert B.
19
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to
deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV
with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we
are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are
not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
=====================================================================================
Ami P.
History
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written
across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A
woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was at
least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to
the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the
markings. The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:
This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in
high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next
drawing looks like a shovel of some sort which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had
hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last
symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the Back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew
is read from right to left.
It says: Holy Mackerel, dig the ass on that woman."
=====================================================================================
Abe C.
"All I Need
To Know About Life I learned From Trees"
It's important to have roots.
In today's complex world, it pays to branch out.
Don't pine away over old flames.
If you really believe in something, don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
Be flexible so you don't break when a harsh wind blows.
Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
To be politically correct, don't wear firs.
Grow where you're planted.
It's perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
If the party gets boring, just leaf.
You can't hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
It's more important to be honest than poplar.
=====================================================================================
Moving into the Nursing Home
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she
would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again
she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other
side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This
went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was
adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me
fart."
=====================================================================================
Ami P.
A Guide to American Newspaper Readership.
1.. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3.. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4.. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but can't
understand the Washington Post.
5.. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they
could spare the time.
6.. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7.. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the
country.
8.. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long
as they do something scandalous.
9.. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or
that anyone is running it.
10.. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
====================================================================================
Ami P.
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out
there either has far too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble!
Dormitory When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room
Evangelist When you rearrange the letters:
Evil's Agent
Desperation When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes When you rearrange the letters:
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve plus one
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using
each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
=====================================================================================
FLORIDA STATE Memo:
The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing
to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for
fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small
young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray...
=====================================================================================
The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the
farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements
to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to
keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule dealer,
"that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tell you this.
I know you were counting on it for your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his
money back, but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive by Jim's place and was
astonished to see Jim working his garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking
his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a
tractor when not to long ago all he had was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that
died.
"Well," Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this idea.
So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up.
Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around
town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule? I'll bet that really made
a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his
money back."
=====================================================================================
Clark C. Getting Even
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she
begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no", the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him". she says, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message", she continues, slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him",
she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies room."
=====================================================================================
Robert B.
- Handy Latin Phrases -
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
====================================================================================
Robbin L. Computer Haiku Poetry
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each Only 17 syllables, 5 syllables in the
first line, 7 in the second, five in the third...
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-
until You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
===================================================================================
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the
African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that
they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain
animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it
with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What
I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered
toast."
===================================================================================
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist (a non- optimist) sees only
the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find
the negative in the positive. Let me illustrate what I mean . . .
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he
found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he
was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news
to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new
dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell.
The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead
walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The
friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked
his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure
did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
=================================================================================
Worlds Thinnest Books
STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED by Elizabeth Taylor
BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
DOWN HILL SKIING by Sonny Bono
ATLANTIC CROSSINGS OF THE TITANIC by White Star Lines
HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
FLYING AT NIGHT by JFK, JR.
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J.Simpson
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT -A TRAVEL GUIDE
DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
=================================================================================
Robbin L.: Groaners to go
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire
in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
too!
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesser of two
weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid
up to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
6. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun
in ten did.
7. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of
them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain;
they named him Juan.
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of
Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amahl.
And the worst of the bunch:
8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They
ignored her, too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most
vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving .... ta.da... (Brace
yourself.)
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Nick
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII- values and adding his (III),
you get the following:
B----66 I----73 L----76 L----76 G----71 A----65 T----84 E----69 S----83 I----1 I----1
I----1=> 666 !!!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1... Convert to ascii code,
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5... convert to ascii code,
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
===============================================================================
Connie
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the
road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front
of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry. A
blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and
pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents
of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped down the road. Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two
again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What
did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
=====================================================================================
An Interesting Concept........
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up
a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I
think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs,
alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a
kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into
the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.
=====================================================================================
Robert B. Actual epitaphs from gravestones ...
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
(ed: guess they did not have personal ads then)
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of
the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something
from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
....and don't forget the tombstone of Wade Rodeheaver in the little white
church graveyard of Jumping Branch.
Here lays Wade
He daid
===================================================================================
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and
let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not for the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the
rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else
you can do while you're down there.
====================================================================================
ROBERT W B.
The following new combination breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as
a whistle.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research
scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Oh, never mind.
===================================================================================
Carol H.
The Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow
manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began
to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much
though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he
spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and
jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
====================================================================================
Karl S.
Thoughts On Diet:
* A diet is a weigh of life.
* It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain
weight.
* A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't
fit into
the dressing room.
* One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If
you're fat, don't eat... fast.
* The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window
of McDonalds.
* The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
* The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
* Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that 'refleshes.'
* Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
* Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
* The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people
eat.
* Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
* A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
* It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
* Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.
* The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and desert.
* Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... alone.
* People go to Weight Watchers to learn their 'lessens.'
* A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its
blessings.
====================================================================================
Lin (Sockermom) You Must Live in California If.....
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste
the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even
notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and
sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is a lesbian, the woman who delivers your
mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH
99".
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is
teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car
Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the
shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really
care.
23. You pass a elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell
phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.
25. You AND your dog have therapists.
====================================================================================
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said
to no one in particular, "gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from
the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat
him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh, if that fly goes down three inches,
that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a
cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches
and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll
shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh, if that fly goes down three
inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb
hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on
the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish and that
hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can
have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the
water.
The fish swallows the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse
grabs the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps for the mouse, the mouse ducks, the cat falls
into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in danger.
====================================================================================
An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their
doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them.
They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start
writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She
says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll
remember,"
he says.
"Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says.
"You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget."
"I can remember that," he says, as he begins to lose his patience. "You
want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget
that so you better write it down."
Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just
fine."
He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the
kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
====================================================================================
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum!
I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the
hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says,
"Geez, all I can smell is..... molasses."
====================================================================================
Michael C.
A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth.
He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?"
the butcher jokingly asks.
"Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher.
"What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves he decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the
third floor and begins scratching at a door. With that, the door swings open and an angry
man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever
seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters the man.
"This is the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"
===================================================================================
Abe C.
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that
reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades
a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played
backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the
Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they
were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are
all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then, the graveyard's
caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation
for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"
===================================================================================
Sockermom
Methuselah ate what he found on his plate,
And never, as people do now,
Did he note the amount of the calorie count:
He ate it because it was chow.
He wasn't disturbed as at dinner he sat,
Devouring a roast or a pie,
To think it was lacking in granular fat
Or a couple of vitamins shy.
He cheerfully chewed each species of food,
Unmindful of troubles or fears
Least his health might be hurt
By some fancy dessert;
And he lived over nine hundred years.
-Anon
====================================================================================
Margherita M.
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a
new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get
it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
====================================================================================
Rosey J.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN: Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Heck is where people go when they don't believe in gosh.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
If a thing were worth doing it would have been done already.
Two can live as cheaply as one......... for half as long.
HAM AND EGGS A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an a**
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
WELCOME TO UTAH Set your watch back 20 years.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's alot
easier on you.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy.
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
===================================================================================
Karl Grizzly Bears
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the
grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them
to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and
they immediately flew to NY and on to Yellowstone. They reported
to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too
dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance,
and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For
several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The
rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the
missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female
and decided they
must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared
an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course: the Czech is in the male."
====================================================================================
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