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Kudos for LifeRing -- Read the Testimonials Page and Add Your Own |
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Back to Humor Collection Religion
Robert B. The Confession
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his
transgression. In the confessional, he told
the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?," asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber Father, "replied the penitent.
"How much lumber did you steal?," asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The penitent interrupted him.
"Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." The priest then responded,
"Now that's a little more serious!"
The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest.
I built a doghouse, a 4-car
garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid
that you'll have to make
a novena."
The penitent looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is,
but if you've got the
blueprints, I've got the lumber."
=====================================================================================
Robert B.
~The
Religions~
Taoism: Shit happens.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Confucianism: Confucius say: Shit happens.
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shit happening.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, Knock: 'Shit happens.'
Atheism: There is no such thing as shit.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe not.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Catholicism: If shit happens I deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you.
Rastafarian: Smoke that shit.
=====================================================================================
Abe C.
"My
Son"
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a
priest. First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room,
people greet him 'Good morning, monsignor.'"
Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning,
your Grace.'"
Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning,
your Eminence.'"
The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son is six feet, ten inches tall and
is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My
God!'"
=====================================================================================
Abe C. Near Death Experience
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was
taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death
experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have
another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek
implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her
hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of
it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I
thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't
recognize you!"
=====================================================================================
Don B The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
to tell the difference.
=====================================================================================
Abe C. Catholic Rites
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order
to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest
tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The
shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your
wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.
"Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church!"
=====================================================================================
Sue S. Short Survey
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better
serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following
questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a
direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__
Bible
__ Torah
__
Television
__ Amazing sexual encounter
__
Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__
Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama done tol' me
__
Near-death experience
__ Near life experience
__
Internet surfing
__ Stubbing your toe
__
National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__
Mail order
__ Burning shrubbery
__
Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__
Father, Son, & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__
Jesus
__ Krishna
__
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__
Allah
__ Satan
__
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ Ra
__
Ja
__ Fa
__
So
__ La
__
Ti
__ Do
__
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing
attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__
Not omnipotent
__ Not capable of being all things to all creations
__
Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__
Makes mistakes (Martha Stewart, Rush Limbaugh)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ When
beseeched, does not stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__
Requires virgin sacrifices
__ Does not require all men to have virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply:
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__
Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__
Indoctrinated by wild-eyed drug-using hippies
__ Indoctrinated by wild-eyed Volvo-driving yuppies
__ Needed focus in whom
to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__
Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__
Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__
Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__
Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__
Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by? Please check all that apply:
__ Mick Jagger
__
Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__
Bill Gates
__ Left-Wing Liberalism
__
The Radical Right
__ Beelzebub
__
Larry, Curly Joe (the original) and Moe
__ The Great Pumpkin
__
The Sun
__ Elvis
__
Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__
Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__
Lottery
__ Astrology
__
CD-ROM
__ Television
__
Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__
Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__
Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__
Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__
Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__
Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__
The Internet
__ Mantras
__
Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__
Human Sacrifice
__ AV Humor
__
Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__
Wandering around a shopping mall
__ Insurance policies
__
Burning Shrubbery
__ Teletubbies
__
Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced
level of felt presence and blind faith. Which
would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1-5 (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent) his handling of the following:
A. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine
1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war
1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague
1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL
1 2 3 4 5
current employer 1 2 3 4 5
daytime
television 1 2 3 4 5
"managed care" 1 2 3 4 5
U.S.
Congress 1 2 3 4 5
B. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous
remissions 1 2 3 4 5
UFOs hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying
statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking
on water 1 2 3 4 5
=====================================================================================
Abe C.
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by
sins of omission?"
One of the girls replied "Aren't those the sins that we should have committed, but
didn't?"
=====================================================================================
The Priest's Rooster
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked
around his Parish.
Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the Church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?" All the women inside the Church stood up!
"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the altar boys stood up!
====================================================================================
Funny Church Bulletin Mistakes
20. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
altar.
14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
10. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth With Joy."
9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good
sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
7. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my
little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
=====================================================================================
Abe C. Skinny Dipping
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a
few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest
asked the rabbi why he covered
his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied..."I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE
that they would recognize."
=====================================================================================
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling
another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see," expressed the priest. "A man helping his
fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "The Father sure doesn't
know the first thing about shark fishing, does he!"
=====================================================================================
The Popemobile
The Pope has finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San
Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a
while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the
back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do.
He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of the
highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a
REALLY important person pulled over and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" asks the chief.
"No Sir!" replies the trooper, ''This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" asks the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT????" asks the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO THE HELL is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."
=====================================================================================
Prayers and Such
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not
to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let
me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and
praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again. As she ran she
once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove
me either."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and
hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have
to take."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my
sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of ourself, God.
If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you
for these pancakes ..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God
for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd
see if He was paying attention tonight."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged
and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not
misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not
misbehave," said Johnny, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a
little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and
said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my
heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his
wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every
morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are
you still in there?!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service
when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing
her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your
sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done. As the
officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand
there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied
the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
=====================================================================================
The five year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up,
stood beside Alex, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, it's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."
Little Alex's eyes widened, but he said nothing, and his gaze remained fixed on the flags
and the long list of names.
Soberly, they stood together for several long moments, staring at the large plaque.
Then in a voice that was barely audible, Alex asked, "Which service, Rabbi -- Friday
night or Saturday morning?
====================================================================================
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
====================================================================================
Carla
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large
double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program
herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the
sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly
and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the
choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon
when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green,
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all
remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement
on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of
their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
======================================================================================
Karl S. For your kindness
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great
difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for
a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish
whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He
shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said
to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered.
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God`s Boy down there?" The barkeep
nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to
his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out
the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don`t
touch me, I`m drawin` disability!"
=====================================================================================
Craig M.
The Buddhist
The most insightful tale I can offer about religion and comfort is Utah Phillips story
of how he became a Buddhist. I'll certainly not tell it as well as he does, and the
recording of the tale was stolen from my car years ago, so I'll have to rely on memory...
Anyway, one of Utah's old friends (I think it might have been Idaho Blackie) finally
passed on, and a group of mourners commenced to giving the crusty old fart a proper wake.
After much shooting of guns (an Idaho tradition, don't ask) and drinking, one of Blackie's
new-age, citified nephews from California had the bright idea to have
a seance to see if they might communicate with the recently departed. So everybody sat
round the table, they lit candles and chanted, and the city-boy said, "Oh spirit of
Uncle Blackie, can you hear us?" Everybody at the table bolted upright at once when a
familiar deep voice answered back, "Loud and Clear".
It took a few minutes for anyone to think of something to say, folks from that part of the
country not being real used to talking with the deceased. Finally, someone pipes up
"Blackie, What's it like on the other side?"
The voice comes back, "Well, I get up in the morning, eat some breakfast, have sex,
take a nap. When I'm tired of sleeping, I get up, have a little snack, some more sex, then
back to sleep. Finally, I get up again, a little more sex, another snack, more sex, then
dinner, and finally I doze off for the night."
A hush falls over this group of unrepentant heathens. Finally one of them asks -
"Sounds real good. Um, I think I'm gonna start going to church and listening to the
padre. Heaven sounds like a pretty nice place."
The voice thunders back "HEAVEN!!!!! I'm a rabbit in New Jersey!!!"
=====================================================================================
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do
not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much
you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged
his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was
comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he
believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with
him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam
gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned
humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't
care.
====================================================================================
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the
leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr.
Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We
can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the
match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was
honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty
terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I
must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and
purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three
strokes."
=====================================================================================
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real
vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous
shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and
were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said,
"Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were
so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came
walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes
were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning,
Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes,
we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
====================================================================================
Church Service
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me
preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your
mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said "Power."
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to
look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old
grandmother stood up and began to sing ........."Precious Memories".
====================================================================================
Robert B.
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you
are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two
things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two
things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have
time to worry.
====================================================================================
Rosey J.
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the
water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks back, he sees the shark turn
and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's
scared to death, and he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its
teeth in horrific splendor. The atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is
motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say "You are an atheist. Why
do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?" Aghast with confusion and knowing
he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true, I don't believe in you, but how
about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?".
The Lord replies, "As you wish", and the light retracted back into the heavens,
and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he
can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark
stops and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its
eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about
to receive..."
====================================================================================
What Causes Arthritis?
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The
man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle
of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began
reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much
alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
===================================================================================
Lilly O.
Services for my dog.
An Irish farmer named O'neill lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he
doted on. The dog finally died and O'neill went to the parish priest, saying "Father,
me dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the
church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no
telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
O'neill said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate
for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
===================================================================================
Abe C.
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each
Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the
congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is
warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain
and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put
20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were
full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.
So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just
as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and
the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.
====================================================================================
Abe C. The Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks
the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks
accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're
not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I
can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass
there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you
will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the
door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what
you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
471,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show
you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is
right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May
I have the key?" The monks give him
the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of
stone. The man demands the key to
the stone door. The monks
give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands
another key from the
monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went... until the man had gone
through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is
relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns
the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
==================================================================================
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