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Kudos for LifeRing -- Read the Testimonials Page and Add Your Own

Back to Humor Collection Sexuality

Steven B.                                 First Date

A couple had waited up for their 13 year old son to return from his first social affair, dinner, dancing, the works.

When ask if he enjoyed himself,  he responded with joy and delight. After telling his story he ended by saying that he had sex for his first time.  The mother turned red, said to the father "He's your his son, you talk to him!" and fled the room.

The father congregated the boy and offered to celebrate his journey in to manhood by purchasing him a new 10 speed bicycle.

The boy responded,  "Thanks dad but can we wait a couple of days?   My ass is too sore."
=====================================================================================

Steven B.                          Texas Cowboys

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her  sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Lone     Star  State. She wanted to taste  some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bona fide rodeo, and have sex  with a cowboy. 

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite, oh so good!! The taste is unbelievable!! And I went to a real rodeo, talk about athletes - these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls - like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"

They then asked, " Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?"

Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
=====================================================================================

Rosie                                  The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.  His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.  "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies the husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more country club.   But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.  "That's his mistress," says her husband.  "Ours is prettier," she replies.
=====================================================================================

Abe C.

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts.

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful,  God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the  smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking  them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.            

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God  reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.            

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all  the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram,  the cow has her bull,  all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve,  you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! "Now, let's see ... where did I leave that  useless boob?"            
=====================================================================================

Ami P.                             Sex????

A man walked up to a farmer's house and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again asked the same question.

Again, not amused, she screamed, "Get the hell away!".

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said, "Yes".

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!!!
=====================================================================================

Rough Night

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

=====================================================================================

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."  The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah?  Who was the guy?" 'Tiger Woods." 'Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome.  I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.  The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that!" She claims. "Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?"   "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.  When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks.  The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." Again she claims. "Oh yeah?  What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time.   When they finish he's tired and beat.  He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No!  I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
=====================================================================================

Abe C.                                      Tough Mice

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse casually stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
====================================================================================

Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.  They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged.  "What was that all about?  I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.  She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in.  Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, " but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind."
=====================================================================================

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt.  But I'm glad I came."
====================================================================================

Fishing

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.   The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat.  When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river.  He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"  There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.   She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down".  A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river and when he came upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

She replied, "Up".

This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal?  Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.  Now today, nothing".  She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought you said 'fuck or drown'."
=====================================================================================

The Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks   once more for old times sake.
He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I   doin'?"

The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?", he asks.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your  money back."
====================================================================================

Sign Language

There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake, honey?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [ 'I'], points to his knee ['need'], and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods like she gets it, and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass, and then rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.
"What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

====================================================================================

How Yodeling was Invented....

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house.

"Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!"

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "Yo! Laid de old laDEE, too!"

====================================================================================

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

====================================================================================

Where is that clinic????

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."

"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

=====================================================================================

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

=====================================================================================

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

=====================================================================================

===================================================================================

ROBERT W B.
Haircuts, Women and Men (Genderalized)

Women's version:
================
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
=============
Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

====================================================================================

What's "Sex"

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?

====================================================================================

Carol

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there. "

====================================================================================

THREE WISE WOMEN

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

====================================================================================

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

====================================================================================

Connie

The student, not necessarily a well-prepared student, sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - 96 maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

====================================================================================

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be ?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................."says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of gui gui gui.........."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th th th th th th th......................."
"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts, "Th th th th th th th th th th th..........."
"Look," says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
"Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady.
Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"

=====================================================================================

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place,
Then you either married it or gave birth to it.

=====================================================================================

Subject: Which is the smarter sex

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent: $20 for oil change + $1 for coffee = $21   

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and spend $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12) Clean up mess.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16) Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Finish oil change tomorrow.

18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to the store; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30) Drink beer.

31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
in the left boob.

35) Beer.

36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

37) Beer.

38) Beer.

39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

40) Beer.

41) Lower car from jack stands.

42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.

44) Beer.

45) Test drive car.

46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

47) Car gets impounded.

48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50 parts + $25 beer + $75 replacement set of jack stands + $1,000 bail + $200 impound and towing fee = $ 1,350
====================================================================================
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"
====================================================================================

Sue told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Sue. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Sue replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

====================================================================================
Robert W. B.

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.

She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

====================================================================================

Steve B.

A ventriloquist working in a night club decided to begin his act with a blonde joke.
Playing the straight man to his dummy, he started off like this:

"Do you know why the blonde dropped out of college on the first day of school?"

"No, why did she do that?"

"She was discouraged. They'd just given her a student ID card and she already had an "F" in sex!"

This drew a big laugh, but not everyone was amused. The next thing the ventriloquist knew, a tall blonde woman, blue eyes shooting sparks, had mounted the stage and was standing in front of him.

" I've had enough of this kind of humor, she said. I came here to be entertained and have a good time, not to be humiliated. Blonde jokes that have no purpose but to degrade people. Besides, this kind of stuff only seems to be about only blondes. Its real purpose is to demean all women."

Shaken, the ventriloquist began to stammer out an apology. "You stay out of this!" she snapped. "I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

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Playing Games In Bed

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard, but to no avail. He can't fart, but not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He concentrates all of his energy, tightens his muscles, tries so hard he instead poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

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Abe C.

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger"?

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Steve B.


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

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Margherita M.

Why Women Talk So Much

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

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Robert B.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice.

"I.......I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky........

Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I.....I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!

"I know..." Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."

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Steve B.

There was a lady who has successfully raised a son who not only was a virgin on his wedding day, but was completely ignorant of sex. His mother called him aside just before the ceremony and said "Son, there is something you need to know. If you want to have children, you have to take the part of your lower body that sticks out and push it deep into the place where your wife makes wee-wee."

The young man looked a little puzzled, but said "OK, Mom", and that was that.

That night, the lady got a phone call for her new daughter-in-law. "Please come quick", said the new bride "Your son has his foot stuck in the toilet".

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Carla W.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

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Lilly O.               Who wants to be a millionaire?


Husband: How about a little sex tonight?
Wife: No, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your Final answer?
Wife: Yes, final answer.
Husband: I'd like to phone a friend.

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CA E.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.  He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young  man noticed her over attentive stare & walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so
rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how    kinky, for $100, on one condition."  Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.  The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which      she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.  She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,

"Clean my house."
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How do you use Vaseline?

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running  around her.  He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed , he asked her if she knew his  company, Cheseborough Ponds. When she said no,  he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.  When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes".  Asked how she used it, she said "to
assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed.  He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always           say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the door hinges; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.   Since       you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

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Cowboys and Indians

A cowboy was out one day, riding the range, when he was captured by Indians. They dragged him back to their encampment and the chief approached him and said "You die in three days white man, but we fair people. We give you one wish each day, then on third day, you die, understand? ... Now, what your first wish?"

The cowboy thought a moment and said "I want to speak to my horse." So the Indians brought him his horse. The cowboy walked over to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered something to it. Then he slapped it on the ass and it took off.

In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked blonde. The blonde hopped off and went into the cowboy's tent. The Indians sat around and watched all this and said to themselves "Typical white man. Going to die in three days, can only think of one thing."

So the next night they bring him out and the chief says "You die tomorrow, white man. What your next wish?"

The cowboy said "I wanna see my horse again. So, again, they brought him his horse. He walked up to it, grabbed one of its ears and whispered to it again. Then he slapped it on the ass and it took off.

In about an hour it came back with a gorgeous naked redhead. The redhead jumped down and went into the cowboy's tent. The Indians sat around and said "Typical white man. Going to die tomorrow, can only think of one thing."

So on the third day they brought him out again. The chief came to him and said "You die at sunset, white man. What your last wish?"

The cowboy took a deep breath and said "I wanna see my horse." So they once again brought him his horse. He walked up to it again and this time grabbed it hard by both ears. He leaned right in its face and said "Read my lips! POSSE!! P-O-S-S-E, POSSE!!"

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        WW II

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked      me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess." "It's worse, Father,"     continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and told her that she had to repay me for hiding in the attic by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took           a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God,      in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said           the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

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Ain't that just like a man!?!?

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and     looked Murphy in the eye and said " I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give             you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the     doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate      when things don't go so well. In this case things aren't so well.. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live.           Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who              asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to            tell them that "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion...."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were
dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother       after I'm gone".

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Lawyer joke

A woman went to her doctor.  "I have something very private to ask you." 

"Go ahead," he said.

"My husband wants to have anal intercourse with me."

"Hmm.  Have you tried it yet?"

She blushes.  "Yes.  A couple of times."

"Well, did it hurt?"

"No, not really."

"Did you enjoy it?"

She blushes again.  "Actually, I did."

"Well," says the doctor.  "In that case, go ahead.  But be sure to take precautions against getting pregnant."

"What?"  says the woman. "Surely you can't get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"My dear woman," says the doctor.  "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

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Margherita M.      Assassin Needed

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending      some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two          men and one woman, but only one position was available for an assassin.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the     test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions     no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun    and kill her. "The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no          matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the        same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside  you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.  Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death WITH THE CHAIR!"

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