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Kudos for LifeRing -- Read the Testimonials Page and Add Your Own |
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By
Bonnie L.
I
have been sober for almost 6 months. My SO drinks and uses. Our
relationship has always been affected by drugs and alcohol. We met in a bar. For
the first 10 years I don't think we ever had sex sober! It defined our social
activities, our circle of friends, how we communicated to each other and how we
resolved (or attempted to resolve) our interpersonal problems and
relationship/family issues. Alcohol was either the basis of our problems or how
we dealt with a problem. We have been together for 16 years.
I
started getting sober about 5 years ago. I now have almost 6 months. What I have
discovered these past 5 years as I went through many relapses was how much my
drinking patterns influenced his drinking/using patterns. We tried to outdo each
other it seemed. But, when I'm not drinking, his drinking diminishes so much, I
wonder if he even has a problem sometimes (I know he does though).
The
first time I quit - I did so for 2 years via AA. I was convinced (thanks to my
sponsor and other supportive (?) people in AA that if K. didn't also quit our
relationship was doomed. I was told that I needed to go to Al-Anon as well as AA
(yikes!!). I agonized over it, I pleaded with him to come to AA, I
threatened him that I would have to leave - all the time crying inside because
he is my best friend, and I didn't want him out of my life.
This
time around, my sobriety feels different. I don't want to dictate to anyone else
how they should handle their addiction/problems nor do I want to lay down
expectations around when/if alcohol will be allowed in the house. Now, having
said that, it's a struggle - Hell, I'm no saint, I get really annoyed if he has
been drinking and absolutely intolerant if he can't carry on a conversation with
me. But I quit ranting and raving (well, most of the time) about it and now I
simply tell him he can't talk properly nor is he making sense and walk away.
That has more influence on him than any of my previous pleading, threats, etc.
So,
in many ways, it is easier this time around. Because I have changed -- not him.
My attitude has changed.
I
sincerely hope that K. will also quit and, I kinda think he will, but not
because of any rule or threat from me. Anyway, that's my long, convoluted story
about drinking and relationships. Now it is time to get out into that beautiful
sunshine - what a glorious spring day it is!!
Posted
4/17/99
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