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Holiday Survival Guide
It's wincing season again -- the time when a relentless barrage of compulsory good feeling makes many of us feel worse inside than at any other time of year. Holidays are monster rapids on the river of recovery. Booze ads, family ties, holiday parties, too much company or not enough, all kinds of tensions yank at the recovering person's balance and threaten to bring us down. Here's a collection of holiday survival shares to help us weather the critical passages and deliver us safe and sober into the calmer post-holiday waters.
Having a Sober Holiday
By Carl W.
It is a commonplace in discussions of alcoholism that alcoholics are especially vulnerable during holidays. This is probably so (suicides spiral around Christmas, for example) but it needn't be the case.
Why are holidays such a big deal for alcoholics? They tend to point up to the alcoholic the shortfalls in his life (which everybody has, but particularly alcoholics.) The image that somehow life has failed the alcoholic is used by the alcoholic as a reason to drink, as if he really needed one. This image is reinforced by advertising, and never underestimate the power of advertisers. If you aren't out consuming, you're not with it. Most retail sales are made around Christmas, of course, which has reached obscene proportions. I fully expect Christmas trees to start appearing in mall about the 4th of July before much longer.
I used to buy into much of this. During the worst of my drinking before I knew what was going on with me, I was terribly depressed around New Year's, Christmas, and the like. I never got invited to the kind of parties I wanted to go to (I thought everybody else did, however.) So I started giving my own. They were wildly extravagant and totally nuts and very, very popular. A lot of booze, of course. I quickly found that that sort of entertaining didn't accomplish a thing but increase my bills enormously. When the party was over, I seldom got invited to anything anywhere nearly comparable to what I had done. The A List people, a fickle and self-centered crowd moved on to the next party, and there I sat. I was a total fool.
Then I went into AA. I was almost totally isolated by then with no friends thanks to alcohol. When the holidays came around no invitations. So I decided I would just celebrate them by myself. Which I did. I would make myself a wonderful dinner and then go to a play or concert (I was amazed to learn that a lot of very nice people do things like that on holidays.) and go to bed early. After I did it a time or two, I found I really enjoyed spending holidays that way. No hangovers. No huge bills. I would see people on New Year's Day still straggling home, and I felt fine, clear-eyed, and energetic and admittedly a little holier than thou.
I was doing all this in Manhattan. In reading New York City history, I discovered that New Year's Day used to be the biggest holiday of the year in the city11not New Year's Eve or Christmas. It was a custom surviving from the Dutch and New Amsterdam apparently. Until well into the twentieth century, Manhattanites would have an open house on New Year's Day and send invitations to people that they would be "at home" that day. People would travel from house to house visiting where they would be served lovely food and drink. Young men would travel in groups and use one another's invitations to get in. Girls loved all this, of course, because they got to meet a lot of new men. There was much drinking, of course, among certain sets, but it was a very elegant custom. One could tell where one stood socially by the sort of open houses one went to. It was a preferred way to meet new people when calling cards and introductions were the order of the day.
So for the few years I was still in New York, I started having an open house on New Year's Day. I would have beautiful food and flowers. I kept the guest list fairly small and there was no booze. If people didn't know I was alcoholic, I just told them I knew they might appreciate the opportunity not to drink any more booze and served three kinds of excellent coffee, juices, and a punch in a cut glass bowl I got from my grandmother. Even the drinkers liked to be treated with such civility I found. I tried to avoid inviting anybody who might be abusing alcohol, but if one did show up, they sobered up.
Since there was no alcohol and the group was small, people could actually talk and get to know one another, which was the whole point. These non-alcoholic parties turned out to far more successful than the sodden extravagances I had formerly gone for. And people invited me to dinner and I actually made friends. It was astounding!
Now I don't live in Manhattan any more (sigh.) I can't entertain any more because of my living situation. But I still don't feel the urge to go berserk on holidays. I spend them quietly, usually alone and just smile indulgently as the advertisers try to convince me to spend my last nickel on over consumption because "it's a holiday." I stay away from the lakes on the 4th of July here, and we have beautiful lakes in Tennessee, because of all the crazy drunks littering and racing boats. I will shoot off a few fireworks this evening I found while I was cleaning out the attic the other day. I hung out the flag on the huge maple tree out front, which I do whenever the holiday calls for a flag. And that's it. I'd love to make ice cream and have a barbecue for five or six friends, but I can't do that now. It's all right. It's not fatal. I will instead work on an important document I need to get done professionally.
For the millennium? I'll probably stay home and spend it the way I do all New Year's Eves these days. I'll listen to some music and go to bed early. I haven't been awake at midnight for New Year's in five or six years. (This is the original party person speaking.) I will not struggle over drinking and try to use the millennium as an excuse to make a fool of myself. I noticed an article recently where I believe the New York Philharmonic is giving a concert that evening up to midnight. If I were in New York, that's where I'd be that evening probably. And I would enjoy it. That's the sort of thing sane, civilized people do. It is not what drunks do. The whole world does not get drunk every holiday, despite what the liquor industry would have you believe.
Posted July 4, 1999
I just had the first of many holiday celebrations on Sunday. Around 50 English teachers and their families. There was wine and beer there, and that was it.
I suppose people were drinking. I didn't really notice because I was too busy having fun. In fact, I was dancing (sometimes alone--what the hell, there was a great band playing 50s music and I felt like dancing) and nearly fell off my chair laughing at all the stories about teaching experiences being told at my table.
It was actually more fun than I've had at a party in quite a few years, certainly better than the ones last year where I couldn't wait to get home and do some real drinking (a real closet case, I was).
Anyway, arrived at work this morning to discover that the head of the system has decreed that this year's party will be--alcohol FREE.
Maybe I can convince the teacher's organization that our next party can be alcohol free. People certainly didn't need it to have a good time, plus the money comes out of our annual dues!
CA
< I found that when cravings hit, posting a quick note saying I was having a hard time helped. Sitting in front of the computer, reading the responses would keep me busy and out of the store. There was always something in those responses that helped me stay strong, and remember why I was not drinking.>
Am in 1OO% agreement with you on that, Jennifer. The same 'tool' is equally helpful for staying away from cigarettes when the going gets hard, for distancing oneself from any addiction I expect.
Seasonal tools for me include putting addresses on envelopes for soon-to-be- sent greeting cards and beginning to wrap Christmas gifts. May be doing at least the latter well in advance, but no harm to that and I'M NOT SMOKING.
Anne
I do this also, and am actually logged on this moment because I was getting the Xmas decorations out of the attic, had some up, and was getting the tree out and started to want a drink. Haven't had one of these spells in a while. So I am doing what I have done for over a year now, grab a soda and run to SOS. And to have these particular posts today, well, Santa Claus works in mysterious ways.
Shirl
The first time around for me, about 5 years into it, I called off the holidays due to lack of interest. I was tired of doing the card/gift exchange thing. And to help bolster my emotional sobriety, I quit doing it. Hardly anybody missed the cards, and those that did got a personal New Year’s Greeting.
As for gifts, I started a tradition of putting together some packages for homeless folks and telling folks that I usually exchanged presents with to please do the same instead of buying me a gift.
What is nice about this husband is he understands that the holidays are just as miserable for me as they are supposed to be happy. I even seemed to enjoy them last year without the urging to be Holiday Cheerful.
De W.
I support and applaud your use of Christmas rituals and activities (writing cards, wrapping presents) as sobriety tools. Those sorts of activities, I imagine, can help folks to stay productively involved, focused, and abstinent. I support "whatever works" and I think you offer good examples and sound advice.
However, I think it is also important to ring in for the "other side" of the phenomenon where the holidays season is stressing, upsetting, disappointing, and depressing for untold numbers of nice people. More significantly and dangerous psychologically, it becomes "crazy making" as the gigantic propaganda machine ("It's a Wonderful Life" and the 1001 versions of "A Christmas Carol") pressure people to "get into the spirit," to operate with increased levity, to experience "good will toward men", and most crazy-making of all, to recapture the feelings associated with some idealized or fantasized memories of Christmases long past.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking "good will toward men", but I don't think it is something that you can just "switch on" the day after you have stuffed yourself with Thanksgiving turkey because the Hallmark Greeting Card Company says that you should.
It may sound silly, but I think it is worth noting that Jimmy Stewart (love the man) was an actor playing a role in "It's a Wonderful Life!" I am certain that at the time, none of those people had any idea they were making a great American classic--and when the film was completed, they all went back to being the strange creatures that actors are when they are not working! They probably shot the movie in June BTW.
The film was a great collaborative effort with the specific intention of creating a illusion that would evoke a particular set of emotional responses from the audience. It is called "art." In this case, they created exceptionally good art, probably without realizing it. But art and reality are often very far apart. And I guess all I am suggesting is to enjoy the experience of having your heart strings tugged at--savor the archetype--without losing site of the fact that the director and the players are fucking with your head. The simplicity, charm and "redemption" of "It's a Wonderful Life" (et al), are something most people are unlikely to ever experience in their life except at the movies.
If you "can't get it up" for the holidays, don't panic, and don't blame yourself. There are literally more than 2 billion (That is 2,000,000,000....two thousand million...10 times the population of the United States) Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, militant atheists, and others who don't give a shit about this stuff ,and who perceive the American "holiday season" as slightly mad. Historians may very well look back on the American Christmas season in the 20th Century as a manifestation of mass psychosis!
Contrary to what my post may suggest, I don't play the scrooge during the holidays. I have experimented with that, and it just makes me feel worse! But I do operate ruthlessly on the "KISS" (Keep it simple, stupid!) principle. Here's my list:
- 1. I keep it simple, stupid!
- 2. I maintain modest expectations.
- 3. I do a little, not a lot.
- 4. I try to do what pleases me, not others --and look for a workable compromise when the two conflict.
- 5. I keep social visits short.
- 6. I keep to a minimum the stressors of crowds, traffic, jammed shopping malls, and travel. I use the internet a lot.
- 7. I don't spend much money on presents. To the extent that it is possible, I try to choose small, but meaningful gifts.
- 8. I like sending cards, but I don't send so many that it taxes my energy or my pocket book.
- 9. I don't pig-out on holiday meals and snack food. I try to exercise every day regardless of other demands of the season.
- 10. I don't drink or use drugs, not matter what.
Mahalo nui loa & aloha,
Happy Holidays!
Rex
The holidays have always been my worst time of year. This year, which will ideally be my first sober December, is already pressing its evil little insinuations of "Everyone else is so happy, it must just be you" and the like. I hate this more than anything else in the world.
I recently came off of a very difficult time, as many of you know, and then got sober again but isolated (hard). I finally feel ready to rejoin the world. Unfortunately, I decided to join just in time for. . . THE HOLIDAYS.
I've not yet decided any real strategy for maintaining my sobriety, although I am shoplifting ideas from y'all liberally, and will continue to do so.
Chris "I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered." The Prisoner
I seem to recall Christmas being a difficult time for me from around age 18 to 24. It was during this time that I was with an idiot for a boyfriend, who wasn't welcome in my parents home. It was only when I left him at age 24 that Christmas began to get better.
Unfortunately that was when I began drinking a lot, and although I know I always had a control problem with drinking, it was then that it started to become a more serious problem. I suppose mainly for the reason that through ages 18-24 I was just partying along with the rest of the crowd, doing what everyone else did, but at 24 I started to mature somewhat, and found myself with more responsibilities at work and at home. The increase in my drinking habit did not help.
So, for the past 5 years or so, the holidays have been a big drinking ordeal. Lots of fun and lots of booze. My family always has a lot of liquor around the house, and we all indulge around holiday time. It's just another excuse for me to drink. (Amazing how those excuses added up and melded into one 5 year or more long, continuous excuse).
Not to say that my family is a bunch of drunks, but they do enjoy their "holiday cheer". They would never address someone's (my) drinking problem unless it was directly physically affecting them or hurting them. They would prefer to laugh it off rather than "stick their nose in".
I was pretty good at keeping my alcoholism a secret, and they either didn't see it or chose not to. Likely the latter. When I finally admitted to them that I am an alkie and told them I was quitting, they were not surprised, and somewhat relieved, I think.
This will be my first sober Christmas as long as I can remember (or not, *laugh*)....I really don't know how it's going to go. As I read the posts regarding the holidays I feel distant and disconnected from the entire holiday issue. I think I'm ignoring it. I'd like to obtain some sort of holiday enthusiasm, but I'm afraid it will just lead me down a road of cravings and confusion that I don't care to follow.
On the other hand, I love Christmastime. I want to put up decorations, and go shopping, and see the children, and enjoy my first Xmas with my husband, as a married couple. It's supposed to be special. In a lot of ways it will be including the fact that it will be my first sober one, and I know I should take all the negatives and turn them into positives.
I don't want to disappoint my husband, who is really looking forward to a Yuletide Christmas with all the fixings, as he never really got any of that in the past. His family was very poor, his parents divorced and both alcoholics. Since meeting me, he says he finally feels a sense of family again. I don't want to diminish that by boycotting Christmas, but part of me really wants to just keep ignoring it, till it passes. I did it with Halloween and it was so much easier...
Bye for now
Treena
I have the choice to use, or not. Everyday I wake, and I make a conscious decision to remain clean and sober. I am sure I am thinking about this choice in my sleep as well because my dreams are often filled with many bizarre using behaviors etc. This priority of my way of life leads into decisions about all other areas. I can "play" the games, i.e. holiday stuff, co-workers "good-bye" rituals, and on and on, or NOT "play".
Why all the fretting about this time of the year etc.. ? I learned to say NO. And as the saying doesn't go....JUST DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!
In my experience x- job, x-co-workers, x-friends, x-family, x-using buddies, x-etc.., do not really give a ___. Anyone that wants to come over and ride horses with me today (clean and sober and no smoking ) come on!
Later, Nancy
I've had good and bad Christmases sober, but definitely nowhere near as bad as when I was drinking. Thing is, we don't put up trees, decorations, or anything. We usually don't even buy each other presents except a token present like a couple of shares of stock or something.
Since my wife's birthday is Christmas Eve, I always get her a nice B-day present -- but that's about it. To me it’s a weird religious holiday with rather odd pagan symbolism attached, and I see no reason to accept it uncritically. I figure if I'm going to put up with this weird holiday, I'll take what I want and leave the rest. I no longer have tolerance for myself getting down over this stupid cultural ritual, and if anybody on this SECULAR list has a problem with that then I say SCROOGE YOU. :)
If you continue to take it one day at a time, then Xmas is just one more day. Right? Why make it a whole month of days? Lucky Rex [in Thailand] probably doesn't even have to see those drunken Santas outside the malls ringing the bells.
Bah Humbug! :-)
YSP Jim Y
It's my understanding that Christmas was placed so close to the solstice intentionally by the early Christian high mucky-mucks, to cut down on the debauchery. If we have any religious scholars among us, please correct me if I'm mistaken about this.
So, a Happy Winter Solstice to all -- but leave out the booze. It'll leave you awake longer for the other debaucheries...
As always,
Marjorie
Here in Japan, Christmas Eve is celebrated by:
1) a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (and the Colonel Sanders standing in front of the joints wear little Santa Claus outfits)
2) a frosted Christmas cake decorated with gaudy swirls and figurines
3) champagne (a non-alcoholic version is available for the kiddies)
Fried chicken and cake is now such a tradition that burger joints, convenience stores, almost every place imaginable has tables with piles of boxes readily packaged for carrying home on the subways and trains. (I always wondered what happened to all of the decorated cakes the day after because by Dec. 26th they've all miraculously disappeared.)
Oh, one other thing: the person you sleep with on Christmas Eve supposedly remains your sweetheart for a long time, so the love hotels are crowded with young couples.
Actually, as a singer, I was always pretty busy around Christmastime. Last year, for the first time, our chorus participated in a Christmas concert with a well-known conductor from Tokyo. We did the some of the usual Christmas stuff--Silent Night, the Hallelujah chorus, and the piece about 14 angels from Humperdinck's Hansel and Gretel. The program also included Battle Hymn of the Republic as the climax before the intermission, and it got a huge round of applause.
This year we'll just be doing the traditional December classical piece, Beethoven's 9th.
And that's Christmas in Japan. Ho, ho, ho!
-- CA
Hello, all. I have my first sober holiday woe, and I was wondering if you all might have some insight into how to handle it.
My wife is a huge fan of the holidays and was planning on having a Christmas party at our place as an alternative to her annual work party. Since I passed out at last year's alternative work party, I became keenly aware of two things: (1) the party was going to include alcohol and (2) it was going to be at our house.
End result: the party is on ice (for now), but I can't help feeling that I am to blame. Questions such as "am I being oversensitive" and "am I blowing this out of proportion" keep nagging at me. While my wife is willing to not have the party in order to accommodate my wishes, and is being very understanding by not pressing the issue, I feel like an ass.
Any thoughts?
Brad
* * *
You are not an ass -- at least as far as not wanting the party -- I don't know about other areas ;-) But seriously, your sobriety IS very important (I assume it is, because you care enough about it to ask this question), and it's clear from your concerns that having such a party at your home could easily be threatening to your sobriety.
If you had emphysema, would you feel like an ass if a smoker in your home no longer smoked in the home because of your breathing problems? Maybe 30 years ago, when the social acceptance of smoking still outweighed the health concerns that were recently emerging, some people would have been offended had you asked them not to smoke around you. Perhaps it's still that way with drinking, but then, those who would be offended are likely the ones with a drinking problem themselves. I certainly don't think you should feel bad about it, and you should have every right to keep an atmosphere you find harmful (whether literal or figurative) out of your own home.
It may be a good idea to talk this over with your wife, and express your feelings with her, and also thank her for not putting pressure on you about having the party. You might want to consider having/announcing a no-alcohol- allowed party - you may not feel totally comfortable being at a party without drinking, but you may meet some people whom you become friends with, that you would never meet any other way.
Ben B.
* * *
And well you should feel uncomfortable. In fact, panic would be understandable.
A few years back we had a solstice party at our house. We made it clear on the invitations (in small but distinct print) that this would be a no-alcohol affair. It was an amazing educational experience for me. I learned three things.
We alcoholics tend to have a highly perverted sense of fun. This is, in a biochemical sense, our root problem. See the Kenneth Blum article, Reward Deficiency Syndrome, on the web 'zine. Our codependents, even without being hooked on the chemical, tend to share our worldview. This blind spot in our view of pleasure blocks us from seeing that "alcohol" and "fun" are not equivalents. We should know by now very well that we can have (a) without (b). But it takes us longer to learn that we can very well also have (b) without (a).
If I had a vote, I'd say have the party but make it alcohol and drug free. BTW that has the added advantage that you can invite kids to the party, which makes it easier on parents to come. The sheer novelty of the concept will bring people out. And quite a few people will quietly thank you afterward. Holiday office parties are a nightmare for lots of people, especially the women in the office, who have to fend off the horny drunk males. Your boss may even give you a bonus (unless the boss is a drunk, of course).
Marty
* * *
Brad,
Be very, very grateful that your wife is willing to accommodate you on this one, quit feeling like an ass, and forget about the party without another thought. Maybe after you have several sober years under your belt, you might want to revisit this issue, but I doubt it even then.
After 20+ years of being sober, I finally feel comfortable enough to serve the occasional drink in my house now, but I wouldn't for a moment consider hosting a holiday bash where heavy drinking would be almost inevitable. Hell, I wouldn't ever consider going to somebody else's bash, unless I knew for sure that I could safely escape early, long before the drinking kicks into high gear.
Make it up to your wife somehow, in some way that doesn't involve alcohol, but please, don't flirt with this sort of disaster. And don't feel like an ass --- it doesn't have to be a BFD if you don't let it; your friends will not miss one more Christmas party, and you will not become social pariahs because of it.
Sorry for coming on so strong --- usually I at least try to make my free advice sound like something else --- but this is dynamite you're playing with, and you'd be very lucky if all you lost were your fingers. Christmas was always the time when my drinking ran wild --- it isn't just a coincidence that my birthday comes just before Christmas --- and I am still always extra-careful around the holiday season. Burn those invitations, quick!
Larry
* * *
Brad,
This is a tough one, that hits close to home. It was really hard for my partner to accept that I am addicted to alcohol. If I would just not drink so much, there wouldn't be a problem, right? In the beginning, she didn't really seem all that pleased with my sobriety. She would invite me to drinking events and be somewhat disappointed when I didn't want to go. It’s as if she had forgotten all the broken promises I had made while drinking, (not only about drinking but other things I would promise to change), the embarrassing situations, the missed work, the missed deadlines, the no money, etc. See Keepers list of 365 reasons.
This was hard to do, but I slowly and gently (without beating myself up) reminded her of some of those bad times, and how some of us get addicted to the stuff and have a really hard time giving it up. Would you invite a heroin or cocaine addict to a party where using was one of the main activities? Because of alcohol being legal and part of our culture, we don't think of it that way, unless you're addicted like us.
It took months before she realized how much better a partner I am without alcohol. It has resulted in changes in our social schedule, but the more positive experiences we have without drinking (me not drinking in particular), the easier it is for her to accept the things I don't feel comfortable with.
Even with months of sobriety under my belt, the thought of a party in the house makes me very uncomfortable. Your apprehension is a warning signal that should not be ignored.
Over the holidays you may end up in other unavoidable situations where alcohol is served. These are a few of my tools:
A couple of "nuts and bolts" things that really help me out when I do end up at an event where alcohol is served:
Its not easy Brad, but the most important thing is to stay sober, no matter what. And staying sober may mean no parties at the house for now.
I apologize in advance if this seems judgmental in any way, it’s just that it hit a chord with me and my situation.
Don
* * *
Hi Brad, and all
I am seeing lots of good "stuff" coming from all quarters in answer to your post. I, too, was always nuts about the holidays; went crazy with the decorations, etc. etc. I especially like Don's planning ahead, since having "a plan" has been a critical part in my staying sober.
Something you and your wife might consider as a compromise would be an alternative, such as
1. Having a small group over, and going Christmas caroling.
2. Having a small group over for a formal, sit down dinner (catered, of course!)
This may sound sort of goofy, but the supermarkets are now awash in magazines giving ideas about holiday entertaining. Woman's Day, Family Circle, and others, have plenty ideas for entertaining that have "no-alcohol" alternatives. Just think, as well, that the sight of a man buying such mags will set hearts a-flutter throughout the store! Just joking, of course.
I hope that this helps; if nothing more than knowing that you have a lot of company in the "squirmy season" as I call it. Fond regards,
Bones
* * *
Howdy, Brad:
My own take is not to do this party if possible. It's way too early, or would be for me, especially, as you point out, that there's no viable escape route. If you're gonna have a party, I like the idea of trying it alcohol-free.
As for the idea that you're being an ass and blowing this out of proportion: Absolutely NOT. This is not just worrying about what some people you only sort of know will think of you. It's about your life and how YOU will think of you.
I think it's great that you're keeping your sobriety at the front end of this thing. I am also facing my first sober holiday season in a while and am none to comfortable about it. All I really know is that I will not drink.
Bill M.
As another newbie with just 9 weeks sober, I am beginning to understand how difficult it is to stay sober, especially at this time of year. I still have a lot of folks around me who don't want to accept the fact that I don't drink any more (it's soooo out of character for me, after all!).
My worst times are the evenings when I'm alone because my partner is out of town on business. I wish there were a meeting in my area, because I would give anything for an hour just to talk. When I tried to get into the chat area, after all the stuff you have to go through to get on to it, I was given the message that my poor computer is just too out of date to play there. (You'll have to excuse me, I'm not real computer literate yet). So, so far I've been mostly lurking on this list. It helps, but I wish I could figure out a way to start a group so that I have somewhere to physically go to talk. Anyone have some feedback??
Thanks, Sue
The holidays coming up are looming large, but I find I have to keep telling myself that I can do this, I have to do this if I want to see my 41st birthday (between Christmas and New Years). Stay strong,
Sue
Thanks, Sue. I made it through last year very self-consciously and felt like a displaced person. I'm more comfortable this year with my sobriety, I can even order an NA drink without stumbling over saying it. Like a lot of us I just live an average suburban lifestyle and I don't have a Ph.D. in English language. I don't hang out in dark and dingy bars.
I do have friends who will invite us over for a dinner party and yes, when everyone is enjoying their glass of wine I envy them at times. Yes, when I go to this wedding tomorrow and 249 people are toasting with champagne in their glasses, a part of me will want to have some too.
I don't envy the getting drunk and feeling like shit the next day, which I know will happen to most of them and me too if I started. Yes on Thanksgiving I will want my customary brandy Alexander, but I'm getting better at it. So it's all those little occasions that come up that are dangerous and I have to be on guard.
If that is called obsessing over it well, gee I am an alcoholic after all and thinking about having a drink does pop into my mind now and then.
Shirl
The best option is sometimes just staying home. However, I know that realistically, this isn't always going to happen, so....
BYOB -- I bring seltzer and a lemon and lime to all family occasions. I make a big glass as soon as I get there and always keep it full so no one has the chance to ask me "Can I get you a drink?"
I avoid getting in discussions that I know are volatile or will upset me. If there is a situation that is stressing me, I just leave the room. I also take a walk around the block alone with my husband and kids after the meal. It's a nice relaxing way to recharge my batteries.
Make a list of the reasons you don't want to/can't drink anymore, and keep it in your pocket. Look at if you need reminding.
Remember you have the best reason of all to be thankful -- You are sober!
Peace & Love, Jennifer
I think I'm going to keep Xmas low-key this year. In the past it has been a big drinking family thing. This is not to say I'm not going to attend the xmas eve party at my sis' place or the xmas dinner at mom and dad's ... I'm just going to try to keep myself in a mellow state the entire time, keep reminding myself and enjoying what is good without alcohol.
I find club soda and lemon to work well too. It has a bitter taste, so it's sippable like wine. White grape juice mixed with club soda is a good champagne substitute. You can even add a bit of orange juice to have with breakfast..:-)
Bye for now,
Treena
* * *
Good ideas Treen! New Year's Eve is also our wedding anniversary. It's always been a big party night -- alcohol, drugs, sex. I won't be doing any of those this year! I always had champagne & orange juice for breakfast New Year's Day. I'll try your substitute this year. I'd love any other suggestions for ways to celebrate. I'd like to start some new traditions this year, alcohol & drug free ones. Any ideas??
Peace & Love, Jennifer
I am not sure what it is, but there is this emotional quagmire associated with the American Christmas holidays that I just hate. And even if I can manage to tippy-toe around the quagmire, I cannot entirely avoid the impact from other people who are having emotional problems with it.
Maybe it is the underlying Christian resurrection myth. After all, "A Christmas Carol" as well as "It's a Wonderful Life" are both stories of resurrection where the meanies and the despondent are swiftly and magically transformed into warm-blooded creatures, filled with gratitude and a new zest for living! Although I can appreciate "It's a Wonderful Life" as a fine and classic example of American film making (I love film), I wonder how many broke, lonely old guys have blown their brains out as they sat watching that stupid movie for the umpteenth Christmas, upset that they don't feel all "warm & fuzzy."
Anyway, my Christmas Carol, sung to the tune of "Joy to the World" is
"Lower your expectations, and you'll feel better!"
Write the rest yourself!
Aloha nui loa & aloha!
Rex
The next two months are the grand time for depression and alcohol. I've made it through the last two years without succumbing to either and even found that holiday parties were much more satisfying as places to enjoy others sober than when I was flying through the throng in my Sopwith Camel (?).
The whole jostling-jingly superficiality of it all used to lead me to the scotch as fast as possible. It would seem that if we all put up enough decorations (sorry Martha Stewart), there will be real festivity and good feelings. The next day comments seem to me to say much: "What a lovely tree (do you know the origin of those shiny balls are on the tannenbaum?) and, oh my, the food was delicious." Not a lot about the possibility of the joy of being human.
I recall in college being told by a fraternity brother: "You gotta believe." "No, I don't," I replied. Seems to have stayed with me. This can create isolation so I have learned to be a somewhat Boston politician who can banter and roll with it. Now that I don't drink, much of the absurdity and humor if it all is very pleasant. But sometimes I feel that I am living through a period of Christmas letters that merely want to tell me that the writer has gone to France and the wines were so good.
I sometimes think that here in Amerika we live from one holiday to another, as though life were centered on preparation for them and then on to the next. This is like constantly living an anticipatory life with nothing alive, yet.
MOG
My most unusual Christmas sober was about 4 years ago.
The employer I was working for at the time had decided to have the Christmas party at a nice restaurant near the airport. My wife and I finally found the place as the road it's on isn't well lighted.
We got there midway through the cocktail hour, as I'd planned. So Far, So Good.
I got a soft drink for my wife and I. Sat with a friend and her husband who I knew were only social drinkers. Talked a while, then ordered dinner. Had another soft drink or two.
Watched the evening progress as people imbibing got stupider and stupider as the booze hit their systems.
After dinner was finished, we hung around for a while. I had about 3 cups of coffee with dinner and afterwards.
We left around 10:30, as our son wasn't well and we wanted to get home to him. Made our way out to the car. We laughed over the fact that my boss and one of the senior managers had on the same tacky, loud, led-lighted tie.
As we sat in the car, just before leaving to go home, I asked my wife how much I'd drank in the evening. She tallied up 3 ginger ale and 3 coffee. I said to her to imagine adding 1 to 2 ounces of rye to each glass of ginger ale, and about an ounce of brandy to each coffee. Her eyes widened.
I chuckled. "Dear, if I had consumed that much, in that short a period, you'd be sitting in the car with me passed out in the driver's seat wondering how the hell we were going to get home because you don't drive!"
We then laughed and headed for home ... cold, stone sober.
Don G.
