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Keepers

My First Year's Fine Journey

By Ken M.

To all the new people on the list welcome -- this is a good place with some fine support available when needed. Wilkommen till alla nya folk fran Norden som ar pa den har fin Nykterhets listan.

Well it has now been one year today since I last partook in the consumption of Alcohol. And a fine journey on this new road it has so far been. It took 28 years of drinking, some drugging, a bunch of half-hearted attempts at quitting (none lasting better than 30 days) and a whole lot of agony to finally get it. I do not want to drink. It benefits me not a whit. Whatever I got from the high, the buzz, the relief -- it always cost a whole lot more than I finally was willing to pay.  It took that final month of binging one pint (vodka) + 1/2 rack (beer) on a nearly daily basis to realize that it was   

1. Putting my relationship with my family at risk
2. Putting my job at risk           
3. Putting my health at risk           
4. Impinging on family finances
5. Killing friendships right and left         
6. Endangering myself and anyone within striking distance of my vehicle            
7. Taking a real gamble with my continued liberty.

I also have a different take on the 7th line as then I felt that it had already removed my liberty by imprisoning me in my alcoholic behavior. Like the AA heads say--I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

With pressure from my wife I called the treatment center that my employer health insurance would cover and made an appointment for an assessment. Gee, guess what? The counselor felt I qualified as an alcoholic. Duh? As I was voluntarily placing myself in a treatment program I had no doubt. Why would he? 

Almost walked out of there though. He described the treatment plan and said I would have to go to three AA meetings a week. Nope, not appropriate. Tried that a couple of years before and found I would drink more than prior to going.

I asked if there was something other than AA as it was not for me (I actually was quite adamant about this) and if that was the only choice I was out of there. He then reached into his file drawer and (reluctantly) gave me a four year old RR list of about six meetings in the Seattle area. He said I don't know too much about this group, I have sent clients to them in the past but then would soon stop seeing them (this was a problem?).

Started going to the treatment meetings and found a number on the list that was still valid. Went to a what I understood to be a Friday RR meeting and found that they were shifting away from Trimpey's RR and looking for a different philosophical base. Treatment was a blend of 12-step, some Gorski relapse prevention and a touch of modified RET (the counselors' version cause he has a certificate in counseling from a local Community College). The support meetings were drifting to SMART recovery, which made sense, as the SMART recovery organization was founded by ex-RR board members.

From that meeting found others involved in non-12 step recovery and got a list of a few websites I might find of interest. While in smartrecovery.org found the link to unhooked.com and started reading.

Like those in Casablanca who had to wait and wait and wait, I read and read and read. Here I was most impressed by the Keepers and making a Personal Toolbox for Sobriety. The Sobriety Priority (I will not take a drink no matter what) dovetailed nicely with Rational Recovery's Big Plan (I will not take a drink ever again). Using AVRT I was able to get past the panic of the little bastard on my shoulder (the 'beast') saying I (it) will die without drinking. Just a beer would taste real good right now. Come on a couple of slugs of vodka--no one will know. Well I would know, the aftertaste would be terrible (smells bad too), and no I (though it might) would not die without alcohol.

About 30 days into this the cravings were beginning to diminish in frequency and intensity. Something else started to rear its ugly head. An understanding that liking the 'buzz' was not the only reason I drank. Emotional repression is a big, big deal for me. Swift flashes of anger would also crop up as an issue that had to be dealt with. I found that working REBT's ABCs is an effective way for working through some of these other problems that are also at root to my addiction.

Whether alcoholism should be defined as a disease (along with drug addiction) is cause for endless debate at SMART Recovery meetings. I have no problem with this as the unifying point is that it can be arrested by modifying one's behavior. Found the Saturday Seattle SOS meeting but alas was only able to attend once as Saturday is the busiest day in my business and I must work. I manage a Tire and Auto Service Center for that big rubber company with blimps.

A bit of history--the first AA meeting, where Bill W. met Dr Bob was at the Sieberling estate in Akron, Ohio. Sieberling was the founder of Goodyear. I love useless coincidences -- but I digress.

A few weeks into sobriety I took the plunge into my first e-mail list. This was here; now called sosmail@onelist.com. It's been great. Marty, MOG, Rex, Lin everybody I can't thank you enough for all of your help. BTW I miss Rex--probably a lot of us do. I don't always agree -- but that would be boring. I like the slight undercurrent of near anarchy -- this is not boring. I do appreciate the general civility of this group, but can handle the slings and arrows when let fly.

Time passed and some clarity kicked in at about 90 days sober. Finished the treatment program at 5 months. Another sense of well-being kicked in at six months. Not to say that all becomes sweetness and light. Many many problems and issues to deal with still -- don't some people call that life?

I created a new non-12 Step Recovery Support Group list for the Puget Sound area which is updated and (re)distributed to hotlines and treatment centers as necessary. This one is done as a tri-fold so it makes a nice handout. If anyone is interested I would be happy to mail out copies if you send me a postal address. I tried to convert it to be e-mailable -- didn't work -- so much to learn so little time. I also have been involved with getting the local SMART meeting facilitators to have separate monthly meetings for mutual support, better communication and improved credibility. While the little bastard on my shoulder still pipes up (albeit rarely) the various tools of support I use:     

provide a fairly solid positive foundation for staying sober. And one more -- I found out I have Hepatitis C -- while I have no symptoms from it (though interferon/ribaviran is a real bitch) alcohol is one fuel I will no longer add to that Dragon's fire. Thank You again for all your support and help -- I hope I can give back just a little of what I have received. You were warned this was long.

Pacem.

Posted May 26, 1999

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