By Treena W.

Had a terrible day that ended a crappy week. This is how it all happened.

Not sure if you all know it but I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or as they sometimes call it, Manic Depression.

Basically what it means is one's emotions are like a roller coaster; one instant curled up in the fetal position in the corner not talking crying or even existing, contemplating suicide and how great it would be feel a series of rounds from a sub-machine gun pierce your brain, and the next instant so intensely happy and powerful that you think you could easily become the President/Prime Minister/Pope/whatever and obtain world peace, and so hyper that you think you'll turn inside out, explode and shower your guts on everyone within a three mile radius.

Thankfully, there are medications for this condition. I have been on a cocktail of a couple of them for about 4 years, and they have saved my life. HOWEVER, since I've been sober, I've felt so empowered that I thought perhaps my depression was caused by the alcohol, and decided to try to "taper" my meds, without any doctor’s advice. That started Monday. I decreased my dosage by half, thinking that if it caused a negative reaction, I could easily up my dosage back to where it should be. I should have known better, since I've tried this stunt before and it never got anything but negative results. But for some reason I keep thinking that since everything was different "pre-sobriety", that I can blame everything on drinking.

Not true. Tuesday, I began shopping. I had sold my other computer system for $400, and decided to get myself something nice with the money. I went downtown to the biggest shopping district in Ottawa. The stores were crowded and cheerful, with Shitmas music playing nonstop. I thought I was enjoying it. I passed bar after bar, pub after pub, and as the day grew on, I realized I wasn't enjoying it at all. I was actually hoping that I would dislike it so much that I would give in and have a drink. But I didn't.

Finally I found a beautiful black dress for the horkidays, at Cotton Ginny. Got a good deal too. I didn’t get the winter coat that I started out for nor did I find a scanner that was also on my list. I got home feeling tired and craving big time. So, I did my mail, made dinner, played some Quake2, and the craving subsided.

Wednesday, I decided to venture back out for the coat and scanner. I went straight to Winners to look for a coat. I found the perfect one plus a hat and wore them out of the store, (after paying for them of course *g*)...Then I began my search through the electronic hell area on foot for the scanner. After zig-zagging the street several times, writing down specs, warding off evil salespeople, passing by the beer store twice, liquor store and a "cute little" wine store, I finally narrowed it down to 2 choices of scanners. Then I had lunch at Wendy's (taco salad and a sprite) and called my husband with the options. We decided on one, and I trudged back over to the first store I had visited to make my purchase. I grabbed a cab home, satisfied and broke.

By this time the lack of medusa was kicking in and I was again craving large. It was a different kind of craving though. Not a physical "I want a drink now" kind of craving. It was more of a "I want to be normal" craving. It felt like if I could just have a choice to say "yes" or "no" to a drink, then I'd never want to get loaded again. Like, the pressure of never being able to drink again was pushing me to binge.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I had the idea that it was "binge or moderate".... Sobriety wasn't even a comfortable option. I felt like I was starting all over again, back to square one. Almost as if I had relapsed without the booze. Everything I had worked for in the last 30 days was gone. I felt as if I had just quit yesterday. To top it all off my ISP was down for 24 hours and I couldn't get back on here till around 10:30 today.

This morning I woke up feeling basically the same way, and made it through the day somehow. I feel like I've come very close to slipping up. Not as close as walking into the beer store, or picking up the phone to order a case, but close mentally. Almost giving in. It's such a thin line.

My husband came home and immediately knew something was up. So we talked. I balked, he talked, I balked some more....yadayadayada.... It helped. I've realized that being and staying sober (at this point for me) is like walking a tightrope. It's such a delicate balance of feelings and ideas. So much control involved. I can't let my guard down for one instant. If I do, that "dumb brain" comes back and tries to justify everything I know is wrong. I realized that tapering my meds is a bad idea too. I'm going back to my regular dosage immediately.

I also realized that I have to get back to "just today"...in order to help make tomorrow a good sober day. I have to keep working. I thought I was through the worst but I was wrong. Four weeks ain't much, I'm learning, and there's still a long way for me to go. I figured out (again) through our discussion that I really cannot moderate. That it really isn't worth it. That really all I was wanting was a binge. And that I have to be strong and keep fighting it, but I have to allow myself room for the slip, otherwise the pressure gets to be too much and I get "tired or recovering" which leads to all these thoughts of moderation. By giving myself that room, I'm basically saying, "as long as I do my best then it will be ok".... It takes the pressure off, and I can concentrate on staying sober instead of wanting to give up on it.

This might not make any sense to you all, then again maybe it does. The idea of "giving myself room to slip-up" probably sounds ridiculously dangerous to anyone who is trying to stay sober, but once I realized that the fear of "f-ing up" was what was causing my stress, and making me tired, I felt really good about saying "my best is all I can do and if I do f up, then I get back up and try again. I know now that trying moderation is way more dangerous than risking a one-time binge.

I was wondering what the difference between f'ing up at abstinence and f'ing up at moderation was if the result is the same - abstinence, and my husband explained it quite well. If I try moderating, sure it could work for some time but eventually I'm going to binge again and it could be a year down the road. At that time I'd have to try abstaining again, and it would be a lot harder to start over at that point than if I just f-up while trying to abstain. Not to mention the other downfalls of trying to moderate. This is the best reason I have heard yet. Who, knows, maybe I'm setting myself up for a slip, but I know that the ideas of moderation are gone and that's in tune with my master plan: abstinence....

That's all for now...thanks for listening to a pretty screwy girl half way (but not going all the way) into a bipolar episode...:-)...