Keepers
- Sorting Through the Rubble
- Of a Drinking Relationship
By
Dee K.
My
husband and I basically predicated our relationship on a mutual love of beer and
its effects. Toward the end of the ride I passed him up, drinking vodka around
the clock. I kept saying "I know I'm drinking too much and I'm gonna stop
but not yet." He'd find my vodka bottles under the bed (very creative,
eh?), be concerned, and then help drink up the bottle. Pretty entangled
behavior.
He
went with me to my second AA meeting and introduced us both as "probably
being alcoholics". Since then he's revised his opinion and feels uncertain
about whether or not he has a problem. When I first quit, I thought I had to
feel that his drinking was none my business and that wanting him to stop his
more "controlled" drinking was just a control issue. After a couple of
weeks, I realized I couldn't handle any alcohol in the house and REALLY hated it
when I could tell he had been drinking. Right or wrong, it was/is how I
felt/feel.
The
thing that surprised me was that he really seemed to feel my drinking was a
problem (which it was) but didn't seem frightened enough of it to willingly
eliminate it from his life, if only just to be supportive.
As
you probably know, when one person quits it sends out shock waves that
reverberate through pretty much every level of your relationship. We're sorting
through the rubble now, seeing what's left, what we have in common, etc. The
first few months were really rocky.
He
no longer drinks around me but when he or I go out of town he does. I can always
tell if he's had even 2 because he articulates everything very carefully. I wish
I couldn't tell or wouldn't mind, but I do because it feels disloyal. Especially
since he has 1st hand knowledge of how it was and knows how much is at stake.
Sometimes
I fear our marriage may not survive my sobriety. Only time will tell. But I DO
know I'd rather be sober and single than drunk and married. I'm looking forward
to reading what others have to say about this and how they've handled this sort
of thing. I've been wondering about that quite a bit. I still feel somewhat
uncertain of what I have a right to ask for.
Posted 4/15/99
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