Standing Naked With All My Clothes On
By R.P.
This book was written in Hell
And I dedicate it to all who survived the wicked journey.
A special thanks to Kamau Jahi, Substance Abuse Counselor for Alameda
County Health Care Services; for all his encouragement.
***
Scoring
I had to wait
till 3 A.M., to score
Pot-Pills-Powder
Anything
In a hurry to get back home
forgetting about taking the bus
running as fast as my skinny legs would go
in the early L.A. morning
I lock and chain
the front door
turn the music up loud
Now, I'll turn off the light
and use you as my lover.
***
Waiting for the Rush
After the spoon is cooked
and the syringe
is filled
Once again
the vein
is tapped
The head nods
as the blood
fills the syringe
The warm
glow
returns
to the pleasure
of the once
trembling
body.
***
Vicious Circle
I just got out of the joint
straight to the Pusher
Stayed clean for three months
Now .
back to the streets
on the westside of the bottoms
On the wall of my cell
a Playboy calendar
I marked off each day
till
kickout
Meanwhile I'll
stay as high as I can
as long as I can
Then back to Santa Rita
I hope my calendar is still there.
***
Slavery
In darkened
hallways of
tenement buildings
Men,
Women &
Children
who lost their innocence
to a syringe
full of empty
dreams
Wait with desperate
hungry veins for the solitude
of evanescent.
***
The Fix
We are like
dogs
roaming
the streets
late
at
night
looking for our
Master
to relive
the cold night
sweats
Panting
Howling
Waiting
for the flower of
darkness.
***
Through the Eye of the Needle
drips
the
poppy
KILLING
The beautiful
flower
Once belonging to life
***
I'm a Whore -- I Don't Cry Anymore
As a little girl
I was so frightened by
the loud noises
coming from my Parents room
Screaming at each other
"It's your fault she was born."
I would hide under my covers and cry myself to sleep
for causing so much grief‑‑
All I wanted
was to be loved‑‑
I was fourteen
lonely & scared
`til he came along
older and wiser (I thought.) he made me feel whole
I looked up to him
He took me to party
after party
introduced me to a dime bag
I felt as if I could do anything
with my man by my side
giving me all the toys I needed
I gave much more
to satisfy his manly
drive
as he would put‑it
to me‑‑
Then one night
my world came to an end
I caught him with
a younger girl
I called her a "Whore."
She called me a
"Bitch."
He left me
My man didn't own me anymore
I belong to the white powder
that flows through my tired veins
I took to the streets
To be wanted
for a few ugly moments,
and snort the pain
away‑‑
I'm so tired of sucking dick
just to get a
fix...
***
Heroin
My eyes are like tombstones
My arms are like an old dart board
My skin is as yellow as the bitter poppy
My soul I sold a long time ago (Age 12)
My epitaph is already written
***
It's Hard to Give a Shit
When You Live in a Garbage
Nowadays
I hafta learn
not to be afraid
of my own shadow
My uzi at my side
on my long night
rides
Young hip brothers
looking to score
The Black & White
slowly cruising
hoping to snag
a dealer
Tyrone was best known
for the finest crack
on the streets
and it
earned him
a toe tag--
Died like his father
his brains running out
on the streets.
***
A 13 Year Old Dealer
Dying young
in the streets
don't make you
no
Hero.
***
Cleansing
The open sore
on my fore-arm
aches
as I increase
pressure &
green gunk
seeps out
dripping
from my
arm
falls
onto my
bed sheets
I apply
peroxide
on the opening
I look down
at the bloody
green pus
reminding me of
all the
bad-cut street-drug garbage
which I have taken
all these years
watching the demons
marching out
and the sickness
healing.
***
Black Tar
I
cover up
_ the tracks
on my
Tattooed
arms with
flannel
I'm so
thin
and my skin
is so
pale
from too
many
lost
nights
with
Cooker -
Spoon &
Needle
Masturbation
is now
my life
style--
A blow job
once in a
while
***
PART 2
There is no more a sobering thought
Than the thought of being sober...
- Drunk in Hancock Park,
L.A. 1965
***
Happy Hour
Nightly
Assassination
of Brain
cells
Last call...
***
Ritual
Nightly
I drink off
my pain
The next day
it still
remains
Nightly
I drink off
my pain...
***
Rude Awakening
I haven't slept
this well in weeks
alcohol has robbed me
of the pleasure
Awaken by the smell
of my own stench
bed sheets are still damp
from last nights sweats
Can hardly hold on to
my cup of coffee
without spilling it
all over the kitchen table
Now I now why
I have an
exwife...
***
Kiss My Ass
I don't have a drinking
problem I only drink after work, or
maybe one at lunch
along with my sandwich
Hey
I don't drink and drive
I set in my car
quietly sipping my second pint
of Gin
I look out of my car window
and see a real drunk
staggering down
the street
he falls
and grabs onto
a trash can
pulls himself up
I look straight into his
lonely red eyes and face
looking as ancient as Rome
His clothing
looks as if he's worn them
all his life
I can imagine
what he must smell like
as he half-ass-makes-it
down the street
I finish my last drop of Gin
and drive to the liquor store.
***
No Where To Go But Up
I. have lost
all there is to lose
Wife Money Job
My self respect
And
my running tab
at the local bar...
***
Seven Days A Week
is I wake-up
every morning
among
empty beer cans
I slip my face
under
the bathroom
faucet
to open-up
my glue-stuck-eyelids
so I can endure
the world
once again
my hands tremble
as I reach for the refrigerator
to take out the last two beers
so I can make-it
to the front
door
***
MORNING AFTER THE BINGE
I'm not happy
with-the-likes-of-you
anymore
As my
reflection
appears
after a
hot shower.
***
WILD TURKEY & I
A month ago
my equal opportunity employer
fired
the
both
of
us
I should buy
the paper
and look
through
the want
ads
instead
I decided
to
drink
them
Tomorrow's
another
day.
***
SOMETIMES IT JUST MAKES SENSE
Light flickering
above
my bed
as I
lay
up on
box-springs
and
urine
reeking
stain
mattress
I leave
the window
next to my bed
half open
listening
to the
laughter
coming from
the
streets
below
A Neon
Bar sign
coming from across
the alley
acts as my reading
lamp
I would love to have
a heartless
woman
knocking at my door
to take away
years of loneliness .
For now I'll reach
over to the night stand
for Smirnoff
my
only
friend.
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